Clean, fun jokes... the tradition continues

[pakarinen]

[chicagorandy]

My ladyfriend just texted me that she wants a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas.

I don't know why she spelled crockpot that way.

[Ylem]

It's not procrastination if I never intended to do it in the first place!!!

[gregl]

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans’ best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

[KingClinton]

[pakarinen]

[GCoyote]

[SparWeb]

My ladyfriend just texted me that she wants a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas.
I don't know why she spelled crockpot that way.

It was her spelling autocorrect. You'll be forgiven.

[SparWeb]

How much have computers and cars changed in the past 25 years?

At a 1997 computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon."

That comment from Bill Gates is reputed to have inspired this statement from General Motors: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

This exchange inspired endless jokes, shared by early internet users on sites like Compuserve and Usenet, and shared by e-mail with others who didn't have dial-up modems fast enough.
Fast-forward 25 years, and to my astonishment, all of these jokes have been made true, or disproven in the most spectacularly sad ways. In large part, the joke is on us because the computers have MERGED with our cars.

Let's compare side by side, the jokes that made us laugh in the '90's, and now make us cry in the '20's.

What was a joke in the 1990's...
You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Lots of cars have a key-less start, now. Yes, pressing the Start button does turn off the car's engine.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Between 2009 and 2011, hundreds of Toyota and Lexus cars runaway out of control, their drivers unable to make the cars stop. Many are killed. The electronic throttle was stuck wide open, and the pathetic brakes were unable to stop it. 4 million cars recalled.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

...is now sadly true in 2023
In 2019, Hyundai and Kia had to recall 3.9 million cars sold in North America to repair or replace faulty engine control modules. Engines seized, stalled, and some even caught fire.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

...is now sadly true in 2023
All cars need a weight sensor under the seat to check if a person is heavy enough not to be killed by the airbag (children have died).


What was a joke in the 1990's...
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

...is now sadly true in 2023
It's called a Corolla, and it hurts. If you are 6 feet tall or more (183cm) don't get in one. If you weigh more than 250 pounds, you can't even try.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

...is now sadly true in 2023
About 20 years ago, cities across North America started separating "HOV" lanes. Good luck driving your gas-powered car there without passengers.
Today you can buy a car that will mind the lanes on the freeway - unless it snowed a bit last night, and then your Nissan will happily let you sideswipe a Kenworth semi.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Recent Tesla software updates have locked drivers out of their cars.
Other Teslas driven to remote places with no wifi have missed a scheduled update, and refuse to be driven.
Radio key fobs with proximity sensors will prevent you from opening the door when the car battery is flat.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But, then you would have to buy more seats.

...is now sadly true in 2023
The HOV lanes turn this on its head. Some people resort to keeping a department store mannequin in the passenger seat.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Try driving an EV like the BMW i3 on a long-distance trip, such as Denver to Pheonix, or Atlanta to Cincinnati. Many of these cars simply can't leave the city limits. And you can't turn off the stupid television on the dashboard distracting you all the time.
There is a solar-powered car concept out there; it looks like a scooter with a greenhouse on top, all futuristic looking for 50 grand USD.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Many Tesla automatic software updates have disabled the vehicles, locked drivers out, or reduced the range.
When it's bungled by Tesla, any owners who repair the onboard software themselves have their vehicle warranties canceled.
Most vehicles now have remote-access to the engine's computer. Some police forces are investigating ways to command automakers to disable a car remotely.


What was a joke in the 1990's...
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Most cars since the '90s have a "check engine" light that can mean anything from "time for an oil change soon" to "every cylinder is misfiring". Old cars used to have gauges for voltage, oil temperature, pressure, radiator temperature , tachometer and plenty more to tell you what was going on.
If you have an electric car, its battery capacity gauge will probably be marked in "leaves" or some other nonsensical icon. Do most EV drivers even know what an Amp-hour means?


What was a joke in the 1990's...
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand-McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

...is now sadly true in 2023
We call it GPS now, of course, and it's in your car, not just you phone. Most automakers always install this because it makes the moving map work. Most American's don't know this can violate their citizen privacy rights. Many police agencies in the US and abroad track people's cars (without court warrants).


What was a joke in the 1990's...
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

...is now sadly true in 2023
Many EV's turn this on its head. Some claim to do the driving for you. Soon, their drivers won't remember how to drive anything. Most cars today have lane minders, following distance sensors, backup cameras, speed limiters, and so-called autopilot. Do their drivers even look out of the windows? Gas cars with electronic transmission "paddle shift" controls convince some drivers that they can control the performance, but without a clutch they are just making suggestions that the computer overrides soon after.


I could go on, but you must be depressed enough by now. Here are some quotes to think about:

"Auto industry watchers and drivers in general have been amazed and disappointed by the general direction the industry has gone." - Elon Musk

"This tragic crash clearly demonstrates the limitations of advanced driver assistance systems available to consumers today,” - NTSB Chairman, 2020
“This crash is an example of what can happen when automation is introduced ‘because we can’ without adequate consideration of the human element.” — Christopher Hart, NTSB, 2019

[gregl]

How much have computers and cars changed

And my 1930 Model A Ford, although it had a starter, could be started with a crank. You had manual spark advance, manual choke and mixture control, and a non-synchro manual tranny. And most folks today have no clue as to what any of that means. I could give the key to a millennial and they wouldn't be able to start it. If it had gas, spark and compression, you could make it run. Today if one little capacitor that cost the maker less than a tenth of a cent goes bad on the main circuit board, the machine is dead and no amount of baling wire or duct tape will fix it.

[Ylem]

My older Buick, like most older cars have a remote start on the keyfob that doesn't charge my credit card $15.00 a month like my friend's new Suburu.

[Nakedgun]

~

Yesterday, I decided to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door, and she yelled, "Who is it?"
So I left.

But I know I must change my diet.
I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent a ambulance to my house.



.

[chicagorandy]

The car post made me want to check my Hyundai Tucson - the Button is labeled Start/Stop. lol

[Ylem]

Now these are getting ridiculous

[pakarinen]

[gregl]

From The Onion: America's Finest News Source

Read it all here:
https://www.theonion.com/nasa-finds-str ... 1851081142

[Ylem]

[pakarinen]

[Ylem]

[chicagorandy]