Clean, fun jokes... the tradition continues

[Makuser]

These are more cute than funny but I still wanted to share them on here:
Best Buddies:

Someday I'll have teeth too:

[OzEclipse]

Copied from Facebook:-

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

[OzEclipse]

[chicagorandy]

[chicagorandy]

[chicagorandy]

[pakarinen]

[chicagorandy]

[gregl]

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

Dunno if these are real but this happened to me. Was at a lumberyard. The guy gave me too much change. As many do these days, they just dump the change in your hand without counting it. So I counted it back to him the way I was taught way before any small calculators existed = you start with the amount of the purchase. Then count up the change until you get to the amount tendered. So in the example above, you just say, "Four pounds twenty-five plus one pound equals five pounds twenty-five."

So after the clerk did the change dump in my hand, I did a similar count to the clerk, he said in a rather snotty way, "You can count it any way you want but there's your change." I told him that he was going to come up short at the end of his shift and walked out.

[OzEclipse]

Dunno if these are real but this happened to me. Was at a lumberyard. The guy gave me too much change. As many do these days, they just dump the change in your hand without counting it. So I counted it back to him the way I was taught way before any small calculators existed = you start with the amount of the purchase. Then count up the change until you get to the amount tendered. So in the example above, you just say, "Four pounds twenty-five plus one pound equals five pounds twenty-five."

So after the clerk did the change dump in my hand, I did a similar count to the clerk, he said in a rather snotty way, "You can count it any way you want but there's your change." I told him that he was going to come up short at the end of his shift and walked out.

I doubt they are real but probably loosely based on real life experiences. I have had many such change issues.
Joe

[UlteriorModem]

The one with the McDonalds change thing is quite real as I have experienced it myself. Except I paid a $4.25 with a 5 dollar bill and a quarter. I received 5 quarters in change.

[Makuser]

@ OzEclipse Hi Joe. Here are a couple more:
I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and I asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. “I’m sorry, I can’t”, she said. “I’ve already cut it in half.”

When going through his deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket. The owner goes to the back and then reappears. “Good news”, he says. “They’ll be ready next Friday."

I hope that you enjoy these and have a great weekend.

[GCoyote]

Dunno if these are real but this happened to me. Was at a lumberyard. The guy gave me too much change. As many do these days, they just dump the change in your hand without counting it. So I counted it back to him the way I was taught way before any small calculators existed = you start with the amount of the purchase. Then count up the change until you get to the amount tendered. So in the example above, you just say, "Four pounds twenty-five plus one pound equals five pounds twenty-five."

So after the clerk did the change dump in my hand, I did a similar count to the clerk, he said in a rather snotty way, "You can count it any way you want but there's your change." I told him that he was going to come up short at the end of his shift and walked out.

I doubt they are real but probably loosely based on real life experiences. I have had many such change issues.
Joe

.
Having witnessed a person who missed their desired exit, stop, and back up IN A TRAFFIC CIRCLE, I find most of those quite credible.
.

[Ylem]

I went to the casino yesterday in a 20 foot limo.

Came home in a 40 foot bus.

[j.gardavsky]

carpenter-reqd-10DowningSt.jpeg

... no tools required (?)
correct spelling should read: no fools required

Best,
JG

[Ylem]

[DeanD]

carpenter-reqd-10DowningSt.jpeg

... no tools required (?)
correct spelling should read: no fools required

Best,
JG

In Oz, a "tool" when applied to a person does not mean a piece of equipment, but this is a polite forum so I can't say what it might mean. In that sense (remember that Joe is also from Oz!) the sign may be correct. "Fool" may also be correct, but it is not as rude...

[OzEclipse]

How much astronomy is too much?
.
Australian astronomers were surveyed. Here are the best responses.
.
1) When your wife drops the "Cut down the astro or I'm leaving" ultimatum, then you know it's too much.

.
2) I would say until you run of out space and need a new house.
.

3)

4) My last marriage probably went sour because of my over the top approach to astronomy..
We needed a new fridge and I used the money to buy a 12 inch... I know that may have been the last straw but it's hard to know as they can overreact so easy. It was winter the galaxies were there and heck in winter you can get by without a fridge. Anyways we are still good friends..I gave her this place, and the other place and ironically the 12 inch is taking up space in her garage ( with a crook mirror) and she asks me at least once a month if I can move it out of there..she never did like it I feel.

So I get to live in a caravan all the time and even the most successful people only get to live in their van for two or three weeks a year...me all year..how good is that...and little house work ..much more efficient and with my crook legs I always can grab hold of something...the shower is outside which is a bit tuff in this cold but it's different so different is luxury the way I see things.

5) @Respondent #2, you jest.
It's NO laughing matter. I need another preferably dark-sited, dome.
The one that must be obeyed wants a beach-side getaway.
Hummm......Mauna Kea?

6) I am a self declared Astro Hoarder. I buy stuff that I have rarely used or have not used at all. The gonna, wanna, never happened scenario. I have four scopes and only one gets used .. purely for visual. I always say I will get into Astrophotography .. having purchased all the gear required but never done anything more. Conveniently I blame my urban location .. but that is just an excuse. I am fortunate .. or maybe not .. as I don't have to justify my purchases to anyone. Also .. I have never suffered buyers remorse for the stuff I have bought.

7) My wife tells me it’s cheaper to for me to have a girlfriend as a hobby than astro.

8) When it rains, it's anything you can't keep dry.

9) I set a sensible limit........no more than 80 hours a week!

10) Geoff.....

[chicagorandy]

[Ylem]